mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
