I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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