i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
