If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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