How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
