Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
