I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
