Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
