Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
