Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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