to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
