Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i've created a new STD.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
