I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
