if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
