so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
