omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
ok first of all what the fuck
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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