Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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