And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
