im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
