He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
