i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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