Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
