Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
