There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
ttyl tear gas
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I see more hoeing in ur future
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
