I'd wear matching sweaters with you
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
