Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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