Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
