I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
