Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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