Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
