Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
