man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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