there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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