So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
