im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
