K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
