So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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