it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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