Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
