the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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