Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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