I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
