no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
