i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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