Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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