A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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