I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
