Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
