you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
