They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
