Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
