Dual....:-)
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
